Divorce

When I hear to word "divorce," it makes me rather sad. Divorce is a very difficult time for the couple, the children (if applicable), the extended family, and friends, and basically everyone involved in the couples lives. Now, I do understand that there are times where the divorce is necessary. There may be abuse or some sort of danger in the relationship and it is best to get away. I do understand that there are situations like that, but I believe for the most part divorce comes from the struggles of a couple.

There is a process of divorce. Divorce doesn't happen over night. It takes time. Lauer and Lauer mention in their text "Marriage and Family" the the first step in the process is Recognition.

1. Recognition: one or both spouses become aware of serious problems, begin to feel doubt about relationship- 40% of doubts in the first 6 months, 60% in the first year. Doubts are caused by spouse's controlling behavior, lack of responsibility, and lack of emotional support.
2. Discussion: one or both spouses begin to share their problems with OTHERS
3. Action: couple separates, this can help or hurt the couple
4. Postdissolution: when the couple accepts the fact that their marriage is over

This process of divorce does make plenty of sense. You see this cycle happen with other couples. It is real. The major thing I see in this process is in the second step. The couples starts to discuss the issues they are having WITH OTHER INDIVIDUALS. Why on earth would a married couple turn away from each other and start seeking advice from other individuals??? I find that so strange. You HAVE to turn to your spouse. You HAVE to talk with them, and be open with them. You HAVE to work together if you want things to get better. Turning away, and talking to other is very dangerous. For example, girls love to gossip. They will chit chat with their friends and pretty soon they will start talking about their husbands. And they will begin to talk about the little things that annoy them. Those little things will escalate and become a big problem and you will end up being mad towards you husband. The friend that they are talking to will of course take your side and think you husband is a horrible person as well. I have also seen this happen with not just friends, but with also family. 

All couples need to be careful what they share with other people about their relationships. It would be easy to vent and complain to others about your spouse, but what good would come from this? You would just end up being more mad at them and turn away from you spouse even more. The one thing you can do to work through those hard times is to turn to your spouse. Work with them. Listen to them and they will listen to you. You need to work through things with them. That's why I believe the second step in that process to divorce is so important. If you would just talk to your spouse, and have open communication with them will save your marriage more than once. 

My professor, Brother Williams, always stresses the importance of the family unit. He has been a marriage and family therapist for many years. He always takes advantage of talking to the whole family when he can. Many individuals will just want to come in alone without their spouse, but he will ask them to come in with their spouse. By doing so he has the chance to talk to them both while they are in the room and their is better conversation and he is able to work with them and help them turn toward each other, and not apart. This also goes for couples who have children. He will talk to the parents as well as the children. There is a difference involving all of the people involved in this hard. Getting them together to express their feelings helps them bond and work together. He has found must success in doing so. 

Overall, there is an important key to helping marriages, and that is communication. I know we hear that all of the time but it is true. It is SO important that your spouse know how you are feeling and that they know how to help you. Talk to your spouse before you even think of talking to other people. Your marriage is between you and your spouse, not you and your mother, or you and your bros. Keep that sacred. Honor your spouse. Love them and cherish them. Help them through those difficult times, and they will be there for you when you are struggling. And if you both have to struggle together, you'll make it through if you lean on each other.