Parenting
“As a thirteen-year-old, I’ve got it all figured out why I need a mom and a dad. When Mom says no to ice cream, I can go ask Dad. And when I want to invite boys over, Dad says no, so I go ask Mom.
“But really, I’m here to talk about why every child deserves a mom and dad. From my mother, I have a pattern to follow, and I can learn what it means to be a woman. Certain understandings can only happen between a mother and daughter. I would pattern my cooking after my mom’s, but she burned dinner twice last week. Actually, she lit it on fire. She isn’t perfect. No mother is, but in my world, she can’t be replaced.
“My father protects me and helps me to figure out the immature minds of those boys I want to invite over. My dad’s example and advice helps me see the male perspective and brings a balance to my life as a young woman.
“When I was eight or nine, I had a close friend whose parents were getting divorced. She asked me, “If you had to give up one parent, which would you choose?” I could not decide. My mom and dad both have their strengths and weaknesses, but when it comes down to it, I need both parents.
“As a thirteen-year-old, it’s funny to watch adults fight about this issue. Sometimes adults act like selfish children. Most of what I hear in the current debate about marriage is all about adults rights. I’ve noticed that children’s rights are often ignored. Children are defenseless, so shouldn’t they be the main focus in this debate? When we favor the wants of consenting adults over the needs of children, who cannot consent, something is very wrong.
“In my US history class, studying Thomas Jefferson was sometimes difficult. He was always talking about “inalienable rights” and saying things like “we hold these truths to be self-evident.” It took m e a couple of tries, but I think I get it now. Here’s why:
“On the day I was born, I automatically had a relationship with my mother and father. I’ve heard that my mom was exhausted but still insisted on holding me close. Dad was bouncing off the walls, calling everyone to tell them the good news. All this, and they had only known me for a matter of seconds. That’s the power of a biological bond. It happens naturally. That’s what self-evident’ means.
“Whether you call it nature or God, each of us exists only through a mom and a dad. Every person has that exact same birthright. If ever I was endowed by my Creator with certain unalienable rights,’ this is it-to be born with a mom and dad. Why? Because it is impossible to be born any other way. Traditional marriage is designed to protect this inalienable right given by our Creator. When we redefine marriage, we begin to fight against the inalienable rights of children. Tonight I am here to represent all children, and I would like to say one more thing in our behalf. We hold these truths to be self-evident, it takes a mom and a dad to create a child, so it takes a mom and a dad to raise one.”
According to this 13 year old, her parents matter. How we parent does make a difference on our children. We will raise the next generation, how do you want them to turn out? Parents do have a lot of responsibility, so what kind of parent do we want to be?
There are 3 types of Parenting. They are...
- "Dictator" - limits options, very controlling
- "Doormat" - freedom without limits
- "Active" - freedom within limits
There are so many things we can do and say different things to parent that we will probably use a little bit of all the above ways of parenting. But the best way to parent is to be an active parent. We need to give our children the freedom to choose but there will also be guidelines for them to follow.
There is a program called "Active Parenting of Teens." It has great resources on how we can help bring out children through those rough teenage years. They have a list of ways we can have better active communication with our teens:
- Listen actively
- Respond to feelings
- Look for alternatives/elevate consequenses
- Offer encouragement
- Follow up later
Now why would it be beneficial to communicate with our teens? Is that an important element we need to establish with our children? I personally believe that when you can communicate with your child, they are more willing to open up to you and trust you. There are also different levels of communication and trust. We just have to try our best to create a high level of trust in the relationship. With the list of 5 things we can do to actively communicate, the first step is to listen. When we really listen to our children we understand where they are coming from, and we can better understand their needs. We then can respond to what they have been going through and get on their level. We then can help them through the situation and let them know we will be there to help them through it. A conversation that involves these steps will greatly impact the relationship and help the children grow closer to the parents.
With parenting there comes a time that we will need to give consequences to our children. But it is important that they are logical consequences, and not just punishments for the child. Active Parenting for Teens gives us ideas on what we can do to give logical consequences.
- Discuss consequences in advance
- Involve the child
- Give choices ie if/then or when/then
- Logically connected to the misbehaior
- Consequences you can live with
- Be firm and friendly
- Follow through
I love these ideas they share. I have seen personally in my life with my parents that if we would have done some of the ideas, we would have been more obedient to our parents. We took advantage of our parents because it was easy to be get out of punishments. My parents didn't follow through with us so we would do something that was considered "bad" and we wouldn't need to pay the consequences. I also believe that following the above steps helps the child experience the natural consequences of their actions more. We wouldn't be controlling the child as much. They would be involved in the process and they would know what they were getting themselves into if they were disobedient.
Another thing I believe is very important to give our children is love. They need to know we love them, and we want what is best for them. We are on their side. We will support them and be with them their whole life. They need to know that the consequences come from the love we have for them. We want what is best for them. And no parent is perfect at the parenting gig. But as long as we can love our children, they will love us back and we will be able to work through those parenting years together.
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