Infidelity in Marriage

This week I wanted to focus on the topic on infidelity in marriage. When we think of infidelity we think first think of affairs- having our spouse cheat on us with another individual. And yes that is in fact ONE example of infidelity. The dictionary defines infidelity as "the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner." I want to focus on the work "unfaithful." So if we flirt with another individual that is not our spouse, we are being unfaithful. If we are sharing feelings/emotions in non appropriate ways, we are bing unfaithful. Infidelity doesn't always have to involve sex! There are other ways we can be disloyal to our spouse.

In our day there are a lot of different issues we see with infidelity. We have great access to the internet and we are able to connect with old friends/ex's so easily! It is very important that we take caution in that and think before we comment on a status, or before we message someone. It is even popular to just think of another person, that is not your spouse, in a sexual way. It can just start as a thought, but those thoughts lead to actions.

A professor at my university (BYU-Idaho) wrote an article called "Affair Prevention." He mentioned many good points that I would like to reflect on. He shared a story that I would like to share.

"Two young, recently married LDS men were hired as social workers at a mental health agency. In their positions, Ross and Devin were often teamed up with a female case worker when making home visits to some clients. Ross and his wife had decided early on in their marriage that it was generally a bad idea to travel alone in a car with someone of the opposite sex and that this should be avoided whenever possible. Ross struggled to find explanations for not wanting to ride in the same car as the co-worker on these appointments. After all, how do you say, “Um, I don’t want to ride together because we might end up having an affair”? Ross awkwardly found excuses to drive his own car whenever possible. Devin was also in the same situation but felt like riding together in the same car as the female co-workers was just part of the job. He felt that this was all professional and he loved his wife deeply and was therefore safe.

After several months, Devin approached Ross in private, hung his head and said, “I don’t want you to think badly of me, but I think I’m falling in love with Savannah.” Savannah was one of the co-workers who was many years older than Devin and was a single, divorced mother. How does a happily-married, faithful priesthood holder fall in love with a divorced single mother many years his senior? It happens the same way that we fall in love with our spouse in the first place. We spend time together, we share our hopes and dreams, friendship, or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations. Perhaps this is Satan’s favorite ploy with those who desire goodness and are filled with compassion. The Book of Mormon describes his strategy: “And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down together, and we discuss our problems and disappointments together. All of these things build emotional intimacy, and emotional intimacy forms part of the foundation of a loving relationship.

In the end, Devin was able to save his marriage after months of pain for both him and his wife and after years of rebuilding trust. So, what is worse? Ross’s awkward moments? Or Devin’s months and years of pain and problems?"

Wow! Something as simple as a car ride, can lead to different forms of infidelity. This is something to think about! And and I realize it doesn't happen to everyone like this, but there is the possibility. We need to make sure we are being completely honest with ourselves and with our spouse. Open communication can help build trust and help prevent problems like that. 

Here is a list of some precautions we can take in our marriages to help prevent infidelity.

• Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours their heart out to you.
  
• Don’t share the most painful things of your soul with an attractive alternative.
  This develops deep levels of intimacy.
  
• If a conversation makes light of marriage, respond with something positive about
  your own marriage.
  
• Discuss marital issues with your spouse. Work on the problems at home. If you do
  need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure they are a friend of the
  marriage.
  
• Don’t have lunch or take work breaks with same person all the time.
  
• When you travel with a co-worker, meet in the public rooms, not in a room with a
  bed.
  
• If an old boyfriend or girlfriend is going to be at a class reunion, make sure you
  bring your spouse along.
  
• If you value your marriage, don’t do lunch alone with an old flame.
  
• Don’t try to be cute or “flirty” with anyone other than your spouse.
  
• Do not allow your heart to dwell on anyone.
  

(Glass, 1999; Goddard, 2007)

Now, these guidelines may seem a little easy. And it might seem that nothing could happen in those situations. But wouldn't you rather not risk hurting your marriage? We might as well do all we can to avoid those situations all together. So keep those points in mind. 

When we get married we promise our spouse that we will give them ALL of our attention and love. We are to remain loyal to them and I know if we do that the relationship will be blessed. Marriage at times can be a challenge. But as long as we are committed to the relationship and each other, then we will be able to make it through eternity. 

Sources: 

Glass, S. (1999) adapted from Smart Marriages Conference, Washington, D.C.

Goddard, W. (2007). Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Fairfax, VA: Meridian Publishing.